YOU WORRY ABOUT YOUR PASTS.

Hard childhood. Perhaps you experienced abuse or witnessed violence. Your experiences may not be that dramatic, but just as impactful. Your family growing up may not have ever talked about feelings, and any overwhelming feelings were shut down swiftly. Some have had parents challenged by mental and/or physical health issues which prevented them from being on their A game when parenting.

No current or past good parenting role models. Who would you feel comfortable calling if you had a baby or parenting question? Just because they physically bore children, does that mean they know the most up to date research on how to grow a healthy child? You may feel very alone in this, and not sure what to do, or question if having a good example even matters.

Change isn’t easy or desired. You may have had past situations that seemed so tough, you didn’t know if you would make it through. You become very anxious and fearful when thinking about change or new things thrown into your life. You simply don’t deal with change well because you already are performing a balancing “act,” and this is supposed to be the biggest change of your life.

YOU WORRY ABOUT WHETHER YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN TAKE THE HIT OF HAVING A BABY.

Satisfaction. You may be completely satisfied in your current relationship. You’ve read the statistics about how 69% of relationships experience conflict, disappointment, and even hurt, after baby arrives (Gottman, 2015). You may find yourself wondering:

DO WE HAVE TO TAKE THE HIT? IS THIS BABY GOING TO RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP?

Maybe your level of satisfaction is currently low, and you are scared about how in the world you will be able to have a baby AND stay together, if you already don’t seem to like each other. Or, you love what you have and don’t want it to change.

Sex and intimacy. Hormones are running crazy in both Mom and Dad during this time. Yup, Dad too. Maybe you are having lots and lots of sex, and don’t want it to go away after baby. Maybe Dad is scared of hurting baby during intercourse (not true, but many feel scared of this), or Mom is so physically uncomfortable she doesn’t want to do the deed. Maybe you both just want to be held, and touched, or feel emotionally connected. You may be wondering if your relationship, sex, and intimacy will go back to normal after baby.
We do things so differently.

We do things so differently, it can be, or already is, a source of conflict. One person processes events and how to make decisions by talking through it, and the other internalizes their thought process and their partner can’t read them or know what they are thinking. One partner may try giving feedback to make things better or problem-solve, but the other partner takes it all as criticism and the relationship feels disconnected.

YOU’RE AFRAID OF LOSING YOUR PARTNER AND BEING ALONE THROUGH THIS, OR MAYBE EVEN LOSING YOURSELF.

You almost lost your partner before. You may have experienced a major life transition or event, and last time you and your partner were constantly arguing. Or maybe the opposite is true and you didn’t talk at all. You know without a doubt you don’t want to relive that time.

Work, work, work, work (imagine Rihanna signing this one) because a partner may avoid family or feel pressure for money. The fear a person feels about not having or being enough becomes a driving force to make more and do more…. at work.

Your relationship has already been through an affair. You worked so hard to navigate the rupture in your relationship, gaining new skills and a new closeness. The fear of it happening again creates anxiety, and often drives people to do more than they would normally. This is a formula for creating resentment.

You’ve needed lots of alone time to do recreational activities, or achieve big things. If you can’t ________, then you will feel like you’ve lost yourself. This could be exercise, camping, career, you name it. You feel you just have to be assured you will still have the ability to pursue these future endeavors, or you will lose yourself and become resentful towards your partner, your baby, and/or yourself.

YOU KNOW YOU AND/OR YOUR PARTNER HAVE SOME MAJOR ISSUES YOU DON’T WANT TO PASS ON TO THE NEXT GENERATION.

You’ve become aggressive, maybe event violent with your partner. Maybe it wasn’t with your current partner, but it has been an issue in previous relationships. It may have been verbal through yelling and emotional manipulation, or it may have escalated to actual pushing, throwing things, breaking things, or hitting, kicking, you get the idea. It’s painful no matter what. Many couples realize they are in constant power struggles, but may not identify with “violence.” If there are patterns of manipulation and feeling out of control, having a baby can be more than scary.

You’ve been in the throes of addiction and/or alcoholism. While you may be sober now, it has snuck up on you in the past. Maybe you grew up with alcoholics in your family, and you’ve been told you are not good with boundaries, enabling others to treat you like a doormat. If you and/or your partner have never been in true recovery, the disease will likely progress with the stress of having a child.

You’ve had personality traits and/or mood disorders that are hard to manage during times of stress. Much like the above issue, many people don’t seek treatment other than medication to manage mood and/or destructive personality traits. You may have grown up with a family member who struggled with mental disorders. Emotion dysregulation and misperceptions rule the roost during times of stress, and you can feel it coming with the growing baby.

YOU’VE GOT A MAJOR CASE OF WHAT-IF’S.

“You are such a worrier, you overanalyze everyTHING!” This may be something you have heard often and yet having someone give you evidence to the contrary, or even telling you “stop worrying” doesn’t work. The what if’s may include:

• Your partner won’t love you anymore.
• Baby will be born with a defect.
• Miscarriage.
• You’ll lose all your friends.
• Your friends/family will see you during your most vulnerable state and criticize the way you are or are not doing things, and you may think they’re right.
• You won’t have enough resources.
• You don’t know when to go back to work, or how long maternity/paternity leave should be.
• You want to be a stay at home parent, but what if you hate it.
• You won’t know who to turn to for help.
• You make a plan and it doesn’t go according to plan – you want to do natural, but what if you want an epidural. You want to breastfeed but what if you don’t produce enough milk.

YOU DON’T HAVE A GOOD SUPPORT NETWORK, AND WON’T HAVE ANYONE TO TURN TO FOR HELP.

Friends or family at the same life stage. You’re thinking about how friends may not understand what you are going through. Once the newness of holding a sleeping baby wear off, you’re friends may want to avoid responsibility and keep doing their version of every day normal. Your normal is changing.

Your family or support network feels critical. They always have something today about how you aren’t doing things quite right. It tears you down, and you’re not sure what to do about it. You already feel critical of yourself, and don’t want to deal with Debbie Downers. But you feel like you’ll have to deal with it in order to get the help.

You don’t think you’re good at making new friends, or even know where to go. You and/or your partner know you need to make new friends, but don’t seem to be willing to put in the time, effort, or even really feel the desire enough to show your true self. You hate faking it during the new stages of friendship.

YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT ROLES YOU’LL BOTH TAKE ON, AND IF YOU WILL EVEN DO THEM WELL.

You’ve tried imagining, but you know you don’t know what you don’t know. What do you mean? There’s just cooking, cleaning, taking care of the baby, and working. You’re not sure what roles people are referring to when they say there are so many new ones.
You’re not sure if you will even take on these new roles and do them well. You may have an overactive critical voice in your head, and you are going to feel extra sensitive to whether or not you are fulfilling roles you and your partner have signed yourself up for.
You hate asking for help, or changing things up. You or your partner may not be willing to switch roles when things aren’t working.

IF YOU DON’T DO THINGS EXACTLY RIGHT, YOU MAY SCREW UP YOUR KID.

This is the ultimate worry, isn’t it? This is what it all comes down to.
You don’t have to be uncomfortable in the not knowing or worrying. My desire for you is to feel what it is like to think straight, feel connected with yourself and others, and experience vulnerability and making decisions right for your and your family…. right there in the therapy room.

EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY KNOW THERAPY CERTAINLY WON’T HURT, YOU MAY BE THINKING OF ALL THE REASONS NOT TO MOVE FORWARD WITH THERAPY.
ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE GO TO THERAPY.

I have so much to say about the damage this type of mindset causes. During points of stress, everyone’s brain naturally orients to managing stress. Without conscious intention on how to react, this is where we develop wonky ways of dealing with stress. Everyone experiences times of acting or feeling out of control. This is no longer just about you though – it’s about creating an environment for your child to thrive in. Just like when you go in for a physical to make sure your body is working, come on in for a mental check-up because you deserve a great family life. It doesn’t happen by accident. I would take a bet that your most admired leaders or celebrities go to therapy to be at their best, not just to resolve past wounds. Check out what major leaders have to say about therapy for getting the most out of life and reaching your full potential.

MY PARTNER DOESN’T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF.

It can be scary to explore our psyche and emotions. Being vulnerable is just that – vulnerable. Your partner doesn’t know what the outcome is going to be. Maybe your partner doesn’t know what to expect out of therapy or has had previously negative experiences (like a failed previous marriage even when couples therapy was attempted). Perhaps coming in to have at least a few sessions together will prove this is a different time. Research also indicates that the most important predictor of success in therapy is the relationship between clients and therapist. Making sure we are a good fit is imperative, and we can only gauge this through experiencing aka – let’s meet! If that is not an option, you may always come in to see me individually. Again from research on family systems therapy – when one partner makes changes, the whole family or relationship dynamic changes. Think of a baseball team. If the shortstop started playing outfield, the whole team has to adjust and will be dropping balls for a while. The “autopilot” will drive different positions to try and go back to the original play. But when everyone puts their minds to it, practices new muscle memory, then the team may play better than ever before.

OUR PROBLEMS AREN’T THAT BAD.

I had a great childhood, as did my spouse. I don’t think we have anything to worry about.
You may be minimizing your feelings by comparing yourself to the worst of the worst situations. See, it doesn’t matter what happens in life, but how you respond to it.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is a choice.

Let’s just go with your problems not being that bad. What a great thing that is because it gives you room to do some proactive maintenance.

OUR RELATIONSHIP IS GREAT. I’M SURE WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS JUST LIKE WE HAVE EVERYTHING ELSE.

A supportive relationship is protective against either partner (mom OR dad) developing postpartum mood disorders. Then you likely know maintenance and proactive conversations are key. It may be worth considering the Baby Prenup program for creating an intentional family culture and decision making framework to align your daily intentions with long term parenting goals. Most parents I talk to wish they would have had the conversations outlined in Baby Prenup. Take a look here.

Think of a car. You may have a car that gets you from Point A to Point B in great weather conditions. It costs a certain amount of time and money to keep up with the car maintenance schedule. If you don’t keep up with the maintenance, it will cost more later when the engine seizes. You also have to learn to drive it in different conditions like construction zones, flooding areas, rain, snow, sleet. You wouldn’t expect a car to run great for 3 years with no maintenance, while driving it over curbs and into snow banks without oil changes, tires with the right tread and a driver who knows how to adapt to changing conditions. The driver = your body, mind and spirit. Curbs and conditions = life and changes (like having a baby), some of which are not controllable. Maintenance = effort and nurturing. The driver and the car together = the relationship. You have to know how to work with one another. How do the breaks respond, where are the controls? Now, the baby is in the back seat, and you are looking in the “rear view” to see if they are okay. The car and driver is the carrier for the family to get SAFELY from Point A to Point B.

WOULD YOU PUT YOUR BABY IN A CAR THAT HASN’T BEEN MAINTAINED WITH TONS OF WEAR AND TEAR?
I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE TIME OR RESOURCES ON IT.

Having a baby does take a lot of time and resources. I totally get it. Going back to the car metaphor, if you don’t put in maintenance at some point, it will cost you more in the long run. The cost may be a less than supportive partnership, divorce, hard to manage behaviors from your growing child, or worse yet, a child who doesn’t live to their full potential. Only you and your partner know what’s best for your goals. I believe the answers exist within you, and I serve as a guide for you to uncover your innate parenting powers.

If you’d like to explore for a few sessions, take a break, and then pick up again later, that is definitely an option. Truly, nothing takes the place of the actual experience of a therapeutic relationship. With that being said, It just depends on what you are needing. I’m constantly working on making therapy accessible and consumable in a variety of options or methods. I’m continuing to make videos, ebooks, quizzes etc. Please feel free to use these resources by answering this survey so I may send you information pertinent to your situation and desired level of communication.

YOU MAY FIND THE ANSWERS TO ADDITIONAL OBJECTIONS HERE.

If I didn’t name what you may be working through, please do feel free to contact me with any questions.

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING:

Expecting parents tell me they would have never thought of having these conversations, or known how important they were. They feel a sense of clarity in how they want to live their new family life, and confidence in their decision making to create the family culture they’ve always wanted.

My approach is unique in the following ways:

Non-judgmental. I have personal experience on all sides of the table from raising three children, two of which are special needs, in a blended family. In addition to my own experiences, I have worked with hundreds of families and have the unique opportunity to deeply understand varying perspectives on tough situations.

Pragmatic and Research Based: Influenced by research, but based on experience and your choices. I show you what gets the results you are set out to accomplish. Being a therapist, I now have a more informed way of looking at various dynamics. The research backs up how my personal experiences and work to create intentionally positive, nurturing attachment interactions directly impact your baby’s brain development. The relationship with clients has a direct impact on both my brain development as well as my clients, and in turn, how clients cultivate their own child’s brain development.

Boredom Free: While this is serious work, let’s approach it with a lighter mindset. After all, boredom leads to complacency. Infuse fun and humor along the way, while not taking each other or ourselves to seriously. I don’t want either of us to become complacent, because:

I believe you can change the world by raising loving kids. It’s literally the most important thing you’ll do.

Contact me via phone or email to tell me about your situation and what you’re looking for.